To dwell, or not to dwell.

 

I found my Big Polar Bear hanging around in Manchester as you can see below.

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 In life we can be guilty of looking in the wrong direction. People often say “don’t look back, look forward.” Perhaps this is the right way to think, in many cases it is.

However, if you are able to look back on hard times without loosing yourself in them, then this may also be good. If you are able to reflect. To see how far you’ve come or how much you’ve achieved. I feel as though this makes you appreciate where you are in that new moment.

The trouble with looking back is that sometimes you can start to dwell on these times. You can end up loosing sight of where you are right now and then become consumed by thoughts of the past.

It was my 24th birthday not so long ago, and this was around the time my own ‘dwelling’ began. Not because of this birthday though. This birthday I was determined to enjoy. I would make up for the last one I thought. Surrounded by all of my wonderful friends and family. I couldn’t have asked for anymore, I was well and truely spoilt in more ways than one!

You see, everyone else was there last year, apart from me. My polar bear had complete control of me. I had no idea. She had gobbled up all of my communication and social skills, and by this point the fear and anxiety that oozed out of her had gone. Which had left me feeling like a blob of nothingness.The depressive side of my polar bear was in full swing and it felt as though it would never end.

Thinking back to that time terrifies me. It’s so hard to describe how you’re feeling in that precise moment. As once the depression takes over you feel nothing. It was as though my personality had just been scraped away. I was an empty shell of a person. I could not laugh or cry.

As I said, I had no idea. That is the scariest factor. When you’re in that state of mind and you truly believe that this is you. You start to think that you’ve just faked everything else in your life. That you didn’t actually even have a personality. This IS you. This IS who you are going to be forever.

This dark side of my polar bear took many things. Including time, intelligence, emotions, relationships and jobs. It takes away your ability to function as a human being. Literally stealing you away from the real world and enclosing you in a dark bubble of emptiness.

I find it hard to believe that this time last year I drove into a ditch and was disappointed when I walked away unscathed. It’s a very dark, and terrifying concept to get your head around.

I’ve been stuck there for a while but not by my polar bear, by myself. If I was having a bad day, I’d start to wonder if I was becoming depressed. The fear would kick in and I’d feel myself being transported back to that dark time. Fortunately, I have come to realise that my polar bear is healthy at the moment. That I have a lot more control over her than I thought.

When you have only recently discovered your polar bear you start to question every emotion. Am I too excited? Am I too sad? Am I too happy? Am I too angry? The only way you can overcome this I think, is by getting to know yourself. It may sound cheesy but I feel as though I know myself better than ever before. My polar bear has taught me many things about myself.

Sometimes you have to stop. Stop over-analysing every thought and feeling, but at the same time remain aware. Let go of the past and use it only as a lesson. A lesson that you have learnt a lot from.

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4 comments

  1. ❤ it's reassuring hearing someone describe exactly how I have felt before and knowing that you still lead a fulfilling life like everyone else.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The writing of these blogs of your very dark journey is amazing and inspirational.
    I am certain that those who have and those who are still going through the darkest of times will, after reading your account of your journey will now realise that they can reach that light at the end of the tunnel.
    I travelled with you as a passenger through your darkest places. You have now reached that beautiful light at the end of your tunnel and the future for you is wonderful.
    From a very proud nan.x

    Like

  3. A wonderful piece of reflective and insightful writing that would be so useful to the many people that have to live with mental health challenges
    You really ought to put these skills to good use as a journalist.So easy to read and thought provoking of how it is to live through the darkness but come out the other side to a brighter future.

    Like

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